Back to December
by BonesPixi
Summary: Post 509- Realizing the freedom she thought she wanted, is mostly just her missing Fitz, she finds away to see him again and to apologize for that fight. Will Fitz accept her apology, and will they be able to move passed everything that happened that night? Based on 'Back to December' by Taylor Swift. OLITZ ONESHOT Please R&R


**This is based on 'Back to December' by Taylor Swift. I had my Ipod on shuffle and it came up and I just starting crying because it was so Olitz relatable. So I couldn't stop thinking about it and I just had to do something with it. So this is now the longest one-shot I have ever written. But it's also a special one, Because have you ever wanted to watch a fanfic? Well now you can. Because I also made a fanvid for it and they both follow the same story line. So if you haven't got the time to read this, i would check that out cause its only 5 mins long. How you ask...well there is a link on my page, just copy and paste it and bam there it is.**

 **Anyway I do hope you enjoy :D**

She couldn't sleep, it wasn't the first time Olivia had lied awake, just playing back everything that happen that night over and over. It played on loop, constantly. She could repeat every word she'd said, but if given the chance to go back, she'd never say those things again. Her eyes darted to a shine on her bedside table. The golden dual band reflected the street lamp that beamed through the small gap in her closed curtains. The diamonds sparkled, more so than she'd ever seen before. That ring used to hold a permanent place on her left pointer finger, now she felt almost naked without it. She'd taken it off that night when she gotten into bed and hadn't worn it since. She wondered if she should have given it back to him, or if he'd even take it back. She slipped the band back into its rightful spot, it fit perfectly, like it always had.

Olivia sat up in bed and twisted the ring in its place, it was a nervous habit that she did very rarely. Is this what she really wanted? Was this freedom she'd so desperately needed? Was it worth giving everything up for? Was this the life she wanted to lead? And if it was, was a life without him ever going to be enough for her?

But she couldn't go back in time and change how things ended. Though maybe she could change how things were currently. Countless times he had made the first move, it was time for her to do the same. Olivia reached out for her phone. She doubled tapped the screen to wake it back up, then swiped up to unlock it, and found his name in her contacts. She hadn't dialled that number in a while and as it rang Olivia wondered if he would pick up for her.

"Olivia?" The voice answered. "It's the middle of the night."

"I need to see him," she said. She needed Cyrus' help. Although she hadn't handed in her pass, if she attempted to walk up to the White House gates they'd all have that media circus back on their hands. And that was really not what anyone needed.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Cyrus said, in the past few months, he and the President had been the best team they had ever been, Fitz listened to him, and Cyrus was allowed to do his job, without getting undermined by what Olivia wanted.

"Please Cyrus. Ten minutes is all I want…all I need," she pleaded.

"He's happy. He's a better man without you Liv. Even you can see that, I know you watch the news. He's the best President he can be. We're getting things done. This is the time for change. We don't need you coming in and ruining that because you're sad and you miss him," Cyrus explained, and Olivia was taken aback. She didn't think Cyrus could think so little of her, or think she would ever try destroy all the good they had done on a whim. He knew her, he knew she thought through everything she did two, three times over, and this call wasn't coming lightly, so how could he think she was just having feelings about missing her ex.

"I just want to talk to him," she said slowly and quietly, maybe if he could see that that was all she wanted and she in no way wanted to harm Fitz's Presidency again, then he would help her out.

"No," he said, and shortly after Olivia heard the dial tone.

She'd called Cyrus out of courtesy, knowing that if he was on the inside, he was a puppy and not a Pitbull. But he wasn't the only person she could call, he wasn't even the easiest person to call. Cyrus should have known if Olivia wanted something, she would get it.

…

Olivia stood looking out the bedroom window, it was dark and the trees were mostly covering her view, but she could see lights off in the far distance creating a small glow around them. It felt almost surreal being back in the residence. As if almost on cue she had returned to her nightly habit of throwing her coat and bag on the bed. But even with that she felt like an outsider, that she didn't belong. In the room nothing had changed, yet everything had. Nothing looked the same, even though the picture of Karen and Fitz was still in the same frame, in the same position on the side table, next to the same sofa. Everything was the same, so maybe it was her, maybe she'd changed. And of course she had, she needed to, but believing you've changed, and knowing you had, weren't always the same thing. Olivia lost her train of thought as she heard the bedroom door open. She spun around to see Fitz stopping, his hand still holding the door.

Fitz's mouth fell open, his breath caught in his throat. "Olivia?" He couldn't believe she was there, standing where she was, right across from him. They hadn't stood together in this room in a long time, since the night she left, since everything they had worked so hard for came crashing down.

"Hi," she said nervously. She had planned what she was going to say, she'd gone over it for what felt like a thousand times, but seeing him changed it all. Maybe Cyrus was right. Maybe Fitz was happy now she'd left. Maybe even just being here ruined who they had become in the last few months. But she was here now, and so was he, she needed to say what she came here to. "I don't want you to feel like you're being ambushed. If you don't want to see me, just go back out the door, and I'll leave, and you can pretend I wasn't here," she said. Her stomach felt empty, and each breath she took was heavier than the last. If they were going to have a real conversation, they both had to want it. She didn't want him to feel like he had to stay if he didn't want to.

Fitz stood there, just taking in her words, his hand still on the door. He had two options, both he could guess were going to cause him pain. If he stayed they would fight and hurt each other all over again, it always ended that way. But if he left, he wouldn't be able to pretend she hadn't come, he would always wonder what she wanted, and he'd kick himself for walking out the door. He needed to take a step in either direction and she would know his answer, but he didn't know what he wanted. When it came to Olivia, he had practically always been in 100%, but now with the time apart, he'd realised that that might not have been the best thing. Fitz took a step forward and closed the door behind him. If he was completely honest with himself, he had missed her terribly, and just seeing her brought a twinge of excitement back to him that hadn't been there in a while.

Olivia took his stepping forward as a good sign, she didn't know how she would take it if he'd turned around and walked away. "How are you?" She asked. She really did want to know his honest answer. She could guess he would lie and say everything was okay, or really she hoped he would be lying. Because everything was not okay for her, and she didn't want to believe that she was the only one feeling the pain of that late December night.

"I'm fine," Fitz said half-heartedly, and Olivia could tell that wasn't all that forthcoming. He stepped further into the room, not looking at Olivia when he did. With each step he took closer, she took one away. She wanted the distance, she wanted to have things between them. So if any old desires came up they would have a barrier to stop it.

"What about Karen and Teddy, how are they doing?" She asked. She hadn't seen his kids in a while, and the news didn't give her much insight into the everyday happenings in the Grant household.

"Karen's taking everything well, and Teddy doesn't know any different. Mellie's letting me see them more than before, we're finding a balance, and making it work," he offered. Was this what she wanted to talk about? His family?

"Good, that's good," she nodded along, she was happy she hadn't destroyed that part of his life. "And you, I can see you're back up in the polls, and-" she said before getting interrupted.

"Is this why you're here? To exchange small talk?" he asked doubtfully as he walked more forward.

"No, I came here to talk about _that_ night," she said, stopping Fitz in his tracks. She could guess that wasn't a topic he wanted to discuss. He turned to look away from her, and she knew he probably wasn't ready to talk about that yet, but they needed to. He looked sad, like he regretted his decision to walk in. She could guess it was all still burned in the back of his mind, like it was hers. She wondered how often he thought about it. Did he stay up each night missing her? Did he regret every word he said? Would he take it all back if he could? "I came here to apologise," she added and he looked back at her confused by the words she had just said.

She was prideful, she very rarely apologised, especially when she was right. And that night she was right. Everything she had ever said came true, he should have believed her at the time and not when it was too late. Fitz knew that coming here to apologise didn't come easy to Olivia, and she was putting herself on the line coming here. But what was her being here going to change, she was the one who said there wasn't a future for them, not anymore. Had she changed her mind?

"Fitz, I don't want to fight. Not again. I don't want to yell or scream. I just want to talk. Because that's what we didn't do before. We didn't talk. Not really. We both made decisions in our relationship and just expected the other to be okay with it," Olivia hoped that Fitz didn't think she was blaming him, because they were both guilty of that. "So I want to talk, civilly. Because last time we spoke with such malice. We wanted to hurt each other, we wanted to bring each other down. I don't want to relive that, I just want to talk," she said painfully, as Fitz looked away again. "You don't have to look at me, you don't even have to say anything. It's just, I need to say my side, and you can do with it what you want."

Fitz didn't respond, he nodded telling her to go ahead. He wanted to know her side. She was always so closed off that getting a glimpse into what was going on inside her mind was almost unheard of. She was giving up all her control, she was going to let this play out how it did. She was going to lay out what she wanted and then, if he wanted the same things, go from there.

Olivia took a deep breath before starting, knowing exactly how hard it was going to be to get it all out and reopen both their raw wounds. "I got scared. I felt trapped. We were moving too fast. Which is funny because you would think that after seven long years, that moving too fast wasn't possible. But it was. Before the media and everybody found out about us, things were good, we were us, if we could have stayed like that for just a little while longer, maybe none of this would have happened. But we couldn't, and once it was out in the open everything just started to happen at warp speed. New things would arise before we'd even had time to deal with the old ones. Things piled up on top of one another until it got too big to handle," Olivia explained. Fitz took a seat on the sofa next to him and Olivia walked over to where he was sitting, but stayed standing.

Fitz continued not to say a word, he was just taking in everything that Liv was saying. He agreed with most of it. But none of this really explained what happened that night. He didn't think they were moving too fast, but he could see how she could believe that. Unlike him, she wouldn't have been counting down the days till the end of his Presidency so they could be move to Vermont and finally have their life together start. He didn't know who had it easier, he always thought she did, but maybe like most of the time he was wrong. Maybe not being able to be together was harder on her and she would have taken longer to adjust to it than he did. But that didn't excuse the fact that they should have worked on it together, and not run.

"I didn't recognise myself. I missed who I was before moving in here. Living here erased who I had been, who I had worked so hard to become. Even who we were disappeared. We used to be partners, we were a team. And then as if overnight, you changed. You told me what to do, what to say, how to be. And we weren't us anymore. You were turning me into your china picking, Christmas tree decorating, dinner planning, First Lady. You were turning me into Mellie. And that's not who I am. It never has been and never will be who I am. You know that. You said you were trying to save us, but it ruined us," she said as she took a seat next to him on the sofa. This was the closest they had been in months. She wanted to reach out and take his hand, to remember what it was like to touch him, to feel their fingers intertwined. But should couldn't. They weren't in that place anymore. And who knew how long it would take for them to get back there, or even if they would.

"I ruined us?" he said repeating back her words. He couldn't believe she had just said that. He tried to stay calm, but he was not to blame for the demise of their relationship, and putting it all on him was not fair or called for. It was both of them, they both played their parts in the breakup, and if Olivia couldn't see that, this conversation would be over.

"No, that's not what I meant," she said as she put her hand on top of his to reassure him. Realising what she had done, she quickly pulled her hand back and placed it in her lap. Fitz looked down to where her hand had just touched his. In the last few months no one had touched him intimately, but just that slight brush softened the barriers he had built up. "I'm sorry," she said and Fitz didn't know if she meant for touching him just then, or if this is what she came here to say.

Fitz looked at Olivia, deeply like he hadn't done in a while. He wished he could hold her in his arms again, like he had not nearly done enough. He wished he could have her lips on his, or lie in bed together and see her smile. He couldn't believe the last seven years were really over, he didn't want to believe. But after she left it was easy to believe that, than believe that it would somehow all work out again.

Olivia wished she could do that night over again. If she could she would have told him where she had been that evening, why she had missed the dinner. Fitz would have been angry to hear what she had done, but he would have been supportive and understood her decision. They could have had a real discussion, and not the turmoil and heartbreak that they ended up having. She fought with herself whether she should tell him about the abortion or not. It would just add to the long list of things he hated about her. But if he knew, he could get a fuller understanding of what really occurred that night.

"I have to tell you something," Olivia begun and Fitz didn't know what it could be, she had already said quite a lot. "And I need you to be understanding. Because you might not think so, but I did the right thing. And it was my decision," she continued and Fitz's eyes narrowed trying to think through the possibilities of what she was talking about. "I was pregnant, and that night, I-," she stopped, she had to blink back the tears that were forming. Fitz turned to face anything but her, but Olivia could see his expression as the pain and realisation crossed his face. He knew where she had been that night, the reason she was late and missed the dinner. She had aborted their baby, and didn't even tell him she was pregnant.

He looked back to her, he felt empty and in need of a drink. He didn't say a word. Mostly because he didn't know what to say. She always had a knack of making him speechless. Without warning he stood up and walked away. He couldn't sit there anymore, not next to her. Olivia opened her mouth to stop him, but she knew better then to try. She watched as he pushed open the door to the balcony and then disappeared. She shouldn't have told him, or at least waited for a better time to tell him, but would there have been a better time?

Olivia sat still, she wanted to walk out on to the balcony to be with him, but giving him space was the best thing to do right now. She looked around the room and she watched as _that_ night played out around her. She ran in, Fitz was sitting right where the real Fitz had just been a few minutes ago, but he quickly stood up and followed her. His voice boomed in her head, and she watched as they followed each other back into the bedroom. Olivia turned back from the door, hooch in hand, and spat venom at Fitz, and then he did the same. They stepped closer, and with each step they took the fight became more heated. They breathed fire, until there was no more hot air left. They sat down, too tired to fight anymore, too tired to fight for them anymore. It was over, they were over.

Olivia closed her eyes, trying to close out that painful, stomach-wrenching scene. A tear rolled down her cheek, and her lip quivered as she tried to control her breathing. She felt empty, like there was nothing left. But there had to be something. She had to remember that amazing things happened in this room, it wasn't just that horrible night. Even just being able to stay in that bed, meant a new chapter in their relationship, which had seemed unlikely to ever come. Fitz would bring her into his arms, and as they lay under the covers he would repeatedly place pecks on her forehead, and each one would make her feel just that little bit better. In here they didn't have to worry about Fitz getting back to the White House before the press came in, or hope he wouldn't be caught as he exited her building. Their stolen private moments in empty rooms didn't have to be cut short for threat that someone would walk in. They were allowed to be themselves, away from the public eye of scrutiny. This room is what she wanted, not this house.

Olivia had left to get the freedom she thought she wanted, but that wasn't the freedom she expected. Maybe she couldn't get over him because he was on the news every hour, or maybe because she didn't want to get over him. He had her heart. He always had, and there was no getting it back. So her 'freedom' was filled with constant thoughts of him, and wondering how he was doing, it wasn't exactly the getaway she had hoped for.

Olivia realised she was still sitting on the sofa alone. She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there, but could guess it had been a while. Should she wait until Fitz came back in and show him she wasn't going to be leaving. Or was his walk out the end of their discussion and a sign she should leave? She looked down at her hands, and her eyes locked on the ring on left pointer finger. She was glad she had worn it here, it wouldn't have felt right if she hadn't. The whole world knew the story behind the ring, and how Fitz had given it to her long ago, but only they knew the true meaning of it, and what her wearing it represented. Having that one thing that remained theirs was everything. She looked at the diamonds, she liked that they were small, not flashy, she wasn't one for flash. Olivia could tell Fitz wasn't coming back in, and decided it was time to move. She stood up from the sofa and walked over to the bed. She put her coat back on and picked up her purse before heading to the door.

…

Fitz sat on the balcony, a glass of scotch in his hand. He needed to be away from Olivia, so he could comprehend what she had just told him. He was hurt to say the least, and he felt he had a right to be. The more he thought about it the more pain he felt. That was the future they had both said they wanted. Vermont and Babies. When had that changed for her? He wished she told him back then, and they could have talked through the decision together, instead of her having to bottle it all up and deal with it herself, like she always had. And he would have respected her choice, because she was right it was hers to make, but he would have liked some input in it.

Olivia was not an easy person to love. He had known that for years. She had trust issues, which stemmed from her father. She needed to be in control, and only on a rare occasion did she let someone else take the reins. And although he hated that about her, he also loved that about her. She was passionate, intellectual and knew what she wanted. It was what drew him to her when they first met, and what kept bringing him back time and time again. It was like she had put a spell on him, because no matter how many times she would ask him to jump, he would always ask 'how high?' But despite all her faults, which he usually couldn't see anyway, he loved her. He would always love her.

He had been so happy in the time they were together. When he picked Liv up from her apartment's and walked straight passed the camera as if they weren't there, he would never have guessed that in almost a half a year he would be sitting here, wondering where it had all gone wrong. But he knew where it went wrong, the moment the photos of the two of them leaked it had started to go downhill. It was only slowly at first, and then it steamrolled. They were over before they'd even had a chance to properly begin. He would go back and change everything if he could.

Fitz looked up after hearing the screen door open up, he watched as Olivia walked out and placed her bag down on one of the chairs and continued to the balcony railing. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you like that," she apologised. She decided to walk out the balcony instead of leaving. She had to try make it right, it was why she had come to Fitz in the first place. She didn't know when she'd next get this chance again, and she didn't want another few months to go by without seeing him.

"You should have told me when you first found out," he said lifting his arm up so his face could balance on his hand. He didn't want to get angry at her, he wanted to know how she was feeling, back then and now.

"I know, and I regret that," she said, not being able to look at him. She didn't regret the abortion, especially with how things ended between them. But she couldn't help think about how things would have been different if he had found out.

"Do you regret-" Fitz was going to ask, but Olivia cut him off knowing what he was going to say before he finished speaking.

"No," she shook her head, and Fitz didn't know how to feel because of that answer. He wondered if it would be better if she did regret it, but he also didn't think she would. Liv thought through everything, she thought of the consequences and outcome of every situation, she saw problems before anyone else did. "It wasn't the time for us, not then. I wasn't ready, we weren't ready. I would have felt more trapped than I already did. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. And that's not something you should feel when you find out your pregnant, you should feel joy and happiness, but I didn't. I wasn't excited by the possibilities, I was scared by them. I knew if I had that baby, I would never been able to have the life I wanted. I would always be the President's pregnant girlfriend. And I've worked so hard to be known by my own name, I don't want to stand in anyone's shadow," Olivia explained. She probably went on a little tangent, but everything she said was the truth and needed to be said.

They both fell silent, neither knowing what to say. Fitz was taking time trying to understand Liv's answer, while Olivia knew he would need that time. But what could either one say? Where could they go from here? They had broken each other's hearts on numerus occasions and maybe there would come a time to count the losses and move on. Maybe this was that time. But Liv didn't think so, and she hoped Fitz didn't either. "I did ruin us," Fitz whispered before taking a sip from his scotch glass. Moving her into the White before she was ready was a huge mistake, no matter how many times he told himself he was trying to protect her, in all honesty he was trying to keep her from going behind his back again. In here he could know where she was and not have to worry about her. But he should have known she would fight against the cage, because even he did.

Olivia wanted to reach out and assure him, it wasn't just him, but no words would change the dread he felt. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go. "I'm sorry," she said again.

Fitz saw the ring on Olivia's left hand. He had seen a picture of her in the newspaper and the ring was nowhere to be found. But now she was wearing it again. When had she put it back on? "Why did you come here, Liv?" Fitz asked defeated. Was it just to cause him more pain? Because if so, she had done a fantastic job. He felt worse than he did the last time they saw each other, after the fight, and that included the headache from Mellie's Daddy's hooch.

Olivia took a moment before she answered. She didn't know if he was ready to hear her answer, or how he would respond to it. "I miss you. And I want another chance. I want to give us another chance. Let's learn from our mistakes, and make sure we work this time. If I have a problem, or something goes wrong, I'll come to you and we can work it out together, instead of waiting until it's too late. And you, don't move me in here against my will and don't ask me to marry you for political reasons. We just need a clean slate. We need to forgive each other for everything we did. And I forgive you. I need you to forgive me," she said. She was really putting it all on the line and she could just hope he would want the same thing.

"You couldn't handle all this before," he said gesturing to the White House. "Once everyone knew it all became too much for you," he added.

"That's not true. I just needed time," she reminded him. Did he forget that she was the one who verified the affair to the press? That she threw herself under the bus for him? Tried to be everything for him? "Time to work out what we were before everyone passed judgment."

"You don't get time, not here. Once the press finds out we're back together, we'd go straight back to where we were," Fitz said. Her solution wasn't practical. She wasn't ready yet, and in a few months they would be back to where they were right now, and he didn't want to have to live through all this again.

"We went years without them knowing, we could do it again," she said.

"You mean hide that I'm in love with you. I don't want to do that again. We've been there, that isn't a solution, that's just taking steps back. I can't do that again," Fitz said, he knew why they had to keep it secret before. He was married, but now he was free to date whoever he wanted in the public eye and not have to worry about being impeached or his popularity. And he did want Olivia back, but he wanted a real relationship, not the secret affair they'd been having since they'd met.

"We'd tell the people important to us. We wouldn't be sneaking around like before. We just wouldn't be seen in public until _we_ were ready. We would control when we came out to the media. We'd have time to fix what was broken, before they could break it even further," she explained. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than nothing. "And if it does get out before were ready, we know how to deal with it this time. It'll work. We'll work."

Fitz didn't say anything, he was mulling it over in his head. Olivia was dying to know what he thought. He wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his near empty glass, as he swirled the remaining liquor around the bottom. Olivia turned away to look at the view over the balcony. She hadn't seen the Washington Monument from this angle in a long time. Was she asking too much of him? Did he really not want to try again? Did the time apart show him that he didn't need her in his life?

"Okay," Fitz said, and Olivia instantly spun back around to see him standing up and coming over to her. Was he agreeing to give them another shot? Olivia wanted so desperately to believe that's what he meant, and with each step he took closer, it seemed like it did.

"Are you sure?" She asked, Fitz did a lot of things to make Liv happy, and she hoped this wasn't one of those times. For this to work, they both had to want it equally.

Fitz took another step forward until he was less than an arm's length away from the woman that he loved. His hands found a way to her side and they snaked around pulling her in closer to him. He missed having her in his hold. He had missed a lot of things in the last few months. But mostly he had missed her. Olivia's cupped his cheeks in both her hands, as their foreheads met. They were closer than either of them felt was possible. Too long they had wanted this, but thought it was out of reach. She shook her head, she couldn't believe that he was going to be hers again, that they were going to get another go at making it work.

They kissed slowly, savouring the moment. Their lips fell apart and then came back together. Fitz's hands ran up and down the small of Olivia's back, while her hands stroked the back of his neck. It was going to take time before they'd be strong enough to show their love off to the world, but in the meantime they'd be together, and they would never have to play back that December night again.

 **What did you think? If you dont know the song, defs check it out, because even though it was written over 5 years ago, I believe it was written about Olitz. So again check out the fanvid I made, which i will also tweet (Username- Pipwrites)**

 **So this is a little Xmas present, cause we need this crap Shonda wrote us to have a happy ending ASAP.**

 **So if you enjoyed please leave a review, and if you check out the fanvid, let me know what you think.**

 **Merry Christmas (or happy other holidays you celebrate)**

 **Pip xx**


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